Provocative Coaching as a Tool – by Daniëlle De Wilde

Provocative Coaching as a Tool

"To make the donkey move forward, you have to pull it by the tail."

It's well known that forcing someone to do something against their will is counterproductive. Instead of moving forward, the donkey (or person) is likely to resist even more.

This metaphor highlights the importance of collaboration and finding motivators that encourage people to move forward on their own, rather than pushing them in ways that create resistance. This article will discuss humor, love, provocation, interrupting, derailing, and destabilizing.

Case : A client in his fifties has been feeling stuck in his life and work for some time. His children routinely ignore his good advice, his wife yawns whenever he approaches her, and promotions consistently elude him. He becomes increasingly gloomy and, after much hesitation, decides to make an appointment with a coach, just like he did ten years earlier.

The new coach listens to his story for a few minutes, then says bluntly but warmly:

“No wonder you're stuck in your life. What's all this like! Who would want to invest in a loser like you?!”

The client finds himself… very surprised… faced with a coach who uses a different approach; the “provocative method”.As coaches, we have of course learned to ask powerful questions, show understanding, kindness, and let the person being coached generate options for new behaviors and other ways of thinking.

However... sometimes this serious and well-intentioned approach doesn't work and we end up going around in circles. This is where provocative coaching comes in and unravels the knots. By acting provocatively, the coachee, after a moment of confusion and surprise, has a renewed sense of driving energy; the person really gets moving and honestly takes ownership of their own part in the problem.

Provocative coaching is an unorthodox method that combines:

• Humor (a joyful and relativizing, 'confusing' state of mind)

• Warm contact (a relationship of involvement and appreciation, being gentle with the person, ruthless with the problem)

• Challenge  (actively stimulate and shock)

Why does it work?

When a person is challenged, they are quicker to talk about their core issues. They begin to resist naturally, through a spirit of contradiction, which makes them stronger. Humor also has a major function: putting things into perspective, and laughing at oneself has an extremely relaxing and healing effect.

Thanks to provocative coaching, the coachee manages to find:

• Increased self-esteem

• The Sense of Reality

• A good dose of Assertiveness

• The vital impulse to make new decisions

• A Renewed Self-Expression

In just 20 to 30 minutes of conversation, people can sometimes already visibly change and free themselves from restrictive patterns.

TOUGH ON THE PROBLEM, SOFT ON THE PERSON

Explorer Journey

By provoking, the coach aims to strengthen the sense of self-esteem, inner truth, and internal frame of reference. The goal is to increase or revive the capacity for defense (vital anger) and self-assertion. To do this, the coachee is systematically referred to themselves, the problem is explicitly named without beating around the bush, and the person is challenged to do something they have not yet done to move forward.

You are not broken!

Caution! The person conducting the coaching frankly highlights perceived weaknesses, but also communicates a sense of radical acceptance. The coach explicitly states their appreciation of the coachee as a whole, responsible, and capable person and invites them to take their problems less seriously and regain their dignity.

“Come on! Head up, shoulders back, chest out, action, take it in hand, it’s your life!” is the message, and the basic formula for a new dance is:

> confrontation + contact + humor + provocation = new movement.

Deep convictions in 'provocative coaching':

1. Every person is responsible for their own life. As long as someone refuses to take responsibility, change is impossible.

2. There are realities in life that everyone must accept. Provocative coaching encourages us to see things realistically; respectfully but with humor.

3. The person is the only one who knows the solution to their problems. No good advice! Bad or wacky advice is welcome!

4. What seems personal is actually universal: we are not alone in our struggles.

5. Human beings are more resilient than they appear, even in times of adversity.

6. A little distrust is healthy.

7. People are more likely to laugh than you think.

8. The challenge creates a bond.

9. If you want to make the donkey move, you have to pull it by the tail.

Here are two examples from business and life coaching:

Traditional coaching:

• Client: I'm not happy in my job, and it's been years.

• Coach: It's definitely not pleasant; what exactly do you mean by "not happy"?

• Client: Well, actually, it was never good from the start…

• (Half an hour of explanations later :-))..

• Coach: Hmm, it's really a shame that you worked so hard and received so little recognition.

  
  

Provocative coaching:

• Client: I haven't been happy in my job for years.

• Coach: Ah... But a job is just to earn money, right?

• Customer: Yes, that's true, but...

• Coach: You're the type who can't get enough. Surely you're looking for inspiration?

• Customer: Exactly, but…

  
  

Traditional coaching:

• Client: My marriage hasn't worked for years.

• Coach: That's terrible; what do you mean, "doesn't work anymore"?

• Client: Well, it started when I…

• Coach: (Fifteen minutes later) Hmm, it's sad that you felt so diminished.

  
  

Provocative coaching:

• Client: My marriage hasn't worked for years.

• Coach: So, you opted for... alcohol, an affair?

• Client: Both, but this relationship…

• Coach: It just fell on you... you didn't ask for it.

• Customer: Exactly, but…

  
  

Where does provocative coaching come from?

Provocative therapy was originally developed by American psychotherapist Frank Farrelly and further developed in the Netherlands by the Institute for Eclectic Psychology (primarily by Jaap Hollander and Jeffrey Wijnberg). Provocative coaching and provocative therapy have been used for decades in counseling, business coaching, social work, and even in prisons.

This is a method applied with great success by experienced coaches.

The method seems simple but requires a well-stocked toolbox, a lot of empathy, authenticity, humor and above all a lot of Love, a great knowledge of one's shadows and a good self-awareness.

Humor: can we laugh at everything?

Humor helps break down psychological barriers and defenses. When clients laugh, they often feel more relaxed and open, making it easier to discuss difficult topics. A lighthearted atmosphere creates a sense of comfort and safety, encouraging the intimacy of sharing openly and honestly.

By exaggerating situations with humor, clients are encouraged to see their problems from a new perspective, leading to insights and aha!s that would be delayed with more traditional methods.

Laughter is a natural stress reliever that helps reduce anxiety and tension, making it easier for clients to engage in the coaching process because the nervous system experiences a beneficial reset.

Shared laughter strengthens the bond between coach and client, fostering a sense of trust and true connection.

Humor encourages flexibility: 'It's okay to 'make mistakes' and experiment: change can be a fun and positive experience.

By incorporating humor (from humus, earth) into coaching, coaches can create a sacred space where humility, authentic humanity, and hope go hand in hand.